My first year at the United States Air Force Academy had some traditions, including communal meals where all four thousand cadets eat together for breakfast, lunch, and some dinners.  One lunch I remember distinctly when another freshman climbed to the announcement tower and hollered aloud to all that it had been “fighting five hours since (his) girlfriend broke up with (him) on Facebook.” Of course, in Academy fashion, he was followed by another freshman announcing that it had been “fighting four hours since he started a relationship with the previous cadet’s girl.”  It was hilarious and the entire cadet wing laughed aloud but it had some other implications that I am only now coming to understand.

THREE AREAS OF CHANGE

More and more, our relationships are moving from the private personal interactions, where only those involved knew what was going on, towards public announcements from your life.  You might not have known that your best guy-friend was dating again until his relationship status changes online.  On the other hand, maybe you saw your girlfriend hanging off some other guy at a party you didn’t know about when those photos were posted up online.

It is a game changer that’s for sure.  What makes this sort of change so difficult is that the information is provided for all to see but often times do not come with context.  That relationship status change is just an inside joke - your girlfriend was just out with friends and was dancing with her platonic friend at home.  In the mean time, you’ve worked yourself up and are stressing out but then you get a text message and you have no idea what to make of it.

The last bit is that text communication has removed a lot of what makes talking with someone so informative.  There is no body language or tonal cues for you to understand how something is meant or being said.  In the coming of instant messenger, Facebook messages, wall posts, and email, it is incredibly difficult to discern how something is meant.  Before we hop into the practical details, what has changed about the relationships themselves?

RELATIONSHIPS ARE CHANGING

Every day I get friend requests online through Facebook, MySpace, and LinkedIn from a whole manner of people that I do not actually know.  Society says that it is now required to approve these requests more often than before.  These sorts of trends have led us to organize and label our interactions.  I have identified four groups in my life for “friends” - Peripheral friends (Facebook Friends, In Real Life Acquaintances), Virtual Friends (People you consider friends through online interactions but have not actually met), Personal friends (You actually hang out), and Intimates (those closest to you such as family and significant others).

DIGITAL PROOF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND SELF

I treat all of these groups differently by having sorts of rules or strategies for dealing with them.  Here is how I do it:

  • Use privacy controls - most social networks will let you control who can see what on your profiles.  Facebook has added a feature where you can create groups of friends within your friends list and then filter your page to that group based on various custom settings.
  • Decide what you say - Facebook (sorry for using this so much) allows you to set which activities are reported in you mini-feed.  By moderating these activities, you can control the message that actually is put out on the network.
  • Be conscious of your profile info - You’re the one putting up the info in your about fields.  Remember that this stuff may be around for a long time in the database and can come back to haunt you as we will discuss later in the series.  So choose your words wisely.

The biggest thing is to make sure you are in control of the message you are sending and the information that is available to others.  Consider whether you really want to post up those photos from the kegger from the other night.  Not only will future employers be looking for the “real” you but so will your significant others.  Could you possibly hurt someone close to you if they saw you doing something?  Also - networks that have “top friends” sorts of applications or features, be VERY careful here.  Changing the pecking order of whom you count as a friend can have some very serious repercussions.  Try to be sensitive to these sorts of concerns and be sure to be clear with those people.

REALITY CHECK

Now that you have the quick and dirty about what to do as far as your information, how do you keep the inner game strong and not lose it over other peoples’ information?  Here is a rather sobering quick look.

  • You do not know the context of that comment, wall post, or photo.  You might think that you do… but you do not. You were not there (unless you were) and there are no words to describe that which you are not privy.  So don’t jump to conclusions.  If something is really bothering you, then you should ask about it.  If you ask, be ready for bad news.  Do not ask the questions that you don’t want answers to - you have to be ready for the worst.
  • Odds are, they are not talking about you, thinking about you, and whatever it is you are worried about has nothing to do with you. Again, you have no idea what it REALLY is all about.  On top of that, you are just one of the thousands of people that these people know, why are you the one that they are talking about?  Well, you are probably not the person.  Do not let drama and rumors ruin your relationships.  I have had more than one fight come from something that was said or found online.
  • Finally, the way you think you are saying something or hearing something online probably is not the way it was meant by the sender. Whenever possible, include hints to how you are thinking in your communication.  Maybe that is an emoticon (cringe), *action* cues, or just say it, “That was a joke” etc etc.  At the same time, if something comes across your screen and it just hits you odd, ask for clarification.  There ought not to be any issue with that.  In reality, if the issue is important enough that it is upsetting you, picking up the phone might be the best course of action.  I know it might not be “tech cool” but at least you will save yourself some concern.

Our relationships are changing their very definition and how we interact within them.  It is becoming increasingly trivial to know more than you should and too easy to misunderstand or misinterpret that information.  Do yourself a favor and reevaluate how you interact with people online, what you say, how you say it, to whom you say it.  The best rule of thumb is that anything you write online in an email, text, message, blog or otherwise will someday become public knowledge - act accordingly.

What do you think?  Are we all doomed to knowing everyone else’s business or can we figure out a way to keep ourselves from being caught up in the drama?  How do you manage your online and in real life relationships?

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« CTC Episode 19 - 12 May 2008 - Data Security and Encryption
Student Survival Guide In a Web 2.0 World: Personal Branding Primer »


This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under student survival guide. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.